4306 komentarjev na to temo

[Pico Della Mirandola]

Hvali se Amerikanac Bosancu kako njegova država stalno napreduje, kako se
kod njih sve bolje i bolje živi, pa kaže:
- Evo, već sutra mi ćemo živjeti bolje nego danas.
A Bosanac mu odgovara:
- Nije to ništa, mi već danas živimo bolje nego što ćemo živjeti sutra!

[krokodil]

I've bought my epileptic girlfriend a few small gifts for Valentine's Day.

 

 

 

 

 

Nothing too flashy.

[Silica]

36 Hilarious Responses To Perfectly Innocent Signs

[Silica]

- If someone from 1950s suddenly appeared today, what would be the most difficult thing to explain to them today?

- I possess a device, in my pocket, that is capable of accessing the entirety of information known to man. I use it to look at pictures of cats and get in arguments with strangers.

 

 

 

 

 

The correct way to spell 'potato' :

 

- if GH can stand for P as in 'hiccough'

- if OUGH can stand for O as in 'dough'

- if PHTH can stand for T as in 'phthisis'

- if EIGH can stand for A as in 'neighbour'

- if TTE can stand for T as in 'gazette'

- if EAU can stand for O as in 'plateau'

 

then the correct way to spell potato would be GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU.

 

[Silica]

The only acceptable duckface

[anne]

Iščem prijatelje.

 

Ker ne uporabljam Facebooka in Twitterja, sem odšla ven in mimoidočim pripovedujem, kaj sem skuhala, kaj pojedla, kaj popila, kje sem bila, kaj počnem....

 

Zaenkrat mi sledijo tri osebe: dva policista in psihiater. 

[anne]

slišiš se zelo ameriško ... 

Tema je Šala dneva. 

[Pico Della Mirandola]

jaaa ... sem spregledal temo ... in se zbal zate ... zdaj vidiš ...  

Šaman, delal se bom da tega nisem prebral, in ker sva zadnje cajte bl prijateljska ne bom o  tem niti besedice zinil Brezotu.. 

Saj veš kak bi sicer  strmi padec sledil na lestivci džavolčičev od 1 do 10

[BINGA-BONGA]

hahahaha

Zena: Mozek ves, teb pa zlo hitr pride!

Moz: Ja lubica, si mela glih tolk cajta kot jest! 

[krokodil]

Dark humour is like food.

 

 

 

Not everyone gets it.

[Silica]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[BINGA-BONGA]

VIC:

NA meji s Francijo

carinik: kaj pa imate v tej steklenici?

tip: Vodo iz Lurda!

Carinik malo proba: aaaaa, pa to je viski!!!!!

Tip: aaaaaaaaaaaaaa CUUUDEZ se je zgodiiiil! 

[Pico Della Mirandola]

hahahaha

Zena: Mozek ves, teb pa zlo hitr pride!

Moz: Ja lubica, si mela glih tolk cajta kot jest! 

hočem hočem hočem seks

stara baba niti keks

 ej ti ne se bat greva seksat ne pa spat..

 stara baba rompompom hitla moža je u kanton

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

 lahko prevod?

Mislm zadnji stavek ni treba vsega

[Silica]

Morda kar demonstracijo?
 
----------------------
 
 
A fella joins the army during World War Two, and it comes to deployment time. He ends up last in line to be given weapons, and when he gets to
the front there are no rifles or bayonets left. The sergeant hands him a broom, and ties a carrot to the end of it, telling the recruit that to use the 'gun' he should point it and shout "Bang-ity Bang-ity Bang!", and to use the 'bayonet' he should prod his enemy with it while saying "stabitty-stabitty-stab!" This seemed far-fetched but it was the 1940s so he knew better than to question it.
Next morning, he was in a wooded area of Northern France when he caught sight of a German soldier in the distance. He took his broom, pointed it at the German and shouted "Bangity-bangity-BANG!" as instructed. To his surprise, the German fell, with blood spilling out of his wounds. Before he could take stock of his first killing, he turned to see another German soldier bearing down on him. Quick as a flash, he poked with the carrot on the end of his broom, shouting "Stabitty-stabitty-stab!" as instructed. Again, the German collapsed is a pool of his own blood and bile. Feeling more confident now, he saw another German approaching down a dirt road, so he took his broom, took aim, and shouted "Bangity-bangity-BANG!" but the German kept marching towards him. He tried again with still no luck, so tried the carrot/bayonet: "Stabitty-stabitty-stab!" he shouted, but still no reaction from the German, who barged right into him, knocked him to the floor and began trampling him into the dirt, while shouting "Tankity-tankity-tank!".

[BINGA-BONGA]

Morda kar demonstracijo?
 
----------------------
 
 
A fella joins the armt sight 

Ej, si zgresila forum, tuki je Slovenija! Smo dost brihtni, da razumemo pisano slovenscino! 

[BINGA-BONGA]

Zakaj pa potem ti v italijanščini pišeš?

Kje to?

[Silica]

[BINGA-BONGA]

 

NEPISMENI PISE SVOJI ZENI:

 

Jelka, kako si?

Kako so otroci? Kako je tasca? Kako so sosedje?

Slisal sem, da veliko pohajas okoli! 

Ko pridem domov, ti polomim vse kosti! 

Ljubi te tvoj Krsto iz Nemcije!    

[Pico Della Mirandola]

Kolk si ti stara, da ti je to smešno?

[anne]

Še nekaj iz Damn you autocorrect:

 

 

 

[Silica]

[Silica]

[Silica]

HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL:

 

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

 

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

 

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

 

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

 

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

 

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

 

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

 

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill inside end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

 

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

 

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

 

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

 

12) Call fire brigade to retrieve the f------ cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

 

13) Tie the little b**tard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

 

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

 

15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect "mutant cat from hell" and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

 

 

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:

 

1) Wrap it in cheese.

 

[alef]

[Silica]

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with
the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the
years.
Well, I have done something about it: a couple of nights ago I
was out for a few drinks with some pals and had a few too many whiskeys
as well as beers and some rather nice claret; but knowing full well I
may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done
before - I took a bus home.
I arrived back safely and without
incident which was a real surprise, since I had never driven a bus
before and have no idea where I got this one